Stumbling Through Adulthood

It's a beautiful, cold, and sunny day here. We went rowing this morning. It was sculling, which I've only done twice before, so that was different and started poorly but got better. I was cold and tore up the back of my right hand, but it was so nice to be out.

Dh is doing better. His neck is still a wee bit sore, but it's improving. Phew.

Making fondue for dinner tonight. It'll just be Perry, dh, and me. Tomorrow I may have MIL and SIL over for brunch. Perry may or may not be there, he might be out rowing.

My aunt JoAnn died this year in March. It was hard. I remember clearly, on April 1st thinking about how that was a month that she hadn't lived in. Same as the seasons passed. Our first holidays without her. And now, as 2026 is about to commence and a whole new year is going to start without her. I'm still not coping well with this.

I've been applying for jobs. I can't tell if I'm going to get unemployment, since they claim that I was not available to work when I filed. Well, I was, because I was on leave, but also, the stupid university changed my end date... to help me, to be fair, allowing me to keep benefits for the rest of the month. However, they didn't tell me until pretty late and by then I was only checking my uni email once a week or so. Instead of Dec 1, they officially terminated me on Dec 3, two days later. I'll be really irked if getting benefits that I never used (stayed on dh's insurance, the state doesn't cover either of the meds I'm on... well, if covers one of them, but only partially and Zeppy not at all) costs me unemployment benefits. Sigh. Anyhow. Very few jobs out there, tbh, and many are temporary. We shall see.

Dh is on call this week. It's the third year in a row he's been on call between Christmas and New Year... and since rotations are 6 months apart, he's usually on call for the 4th of July weekend as well. Which means no hiking no outtings, nothing. It's quite annoying, especially since a) everyone else on his team is out, which makes being on call even more irksome, and b) hello? it's one of two non-Indians on his team.

Christmas in Bend was... fair to good, I guess. The week started poorly with the accident, but we were able to relax, get some walks in. The weather was decent, if windy a few of the days. We were able to pull off getting Linnea's bf down for less than 24 hours, but it was important. I still cannot believe we found a ticket -this was in October- for as cheap as it was, and that everything lined up well. Saw my mom a few times, with her boyfriend or whatever we want to call him, that was nice. Ate too much. We all bought too much chocolate! Hard to believe, but there is something as too much chocolate. A lot of it is home with me now, since my sister doesn't want it. I sent a lot back up to B'ham with Linnea and Perry and dh are doing a good job with the rest.

New Alzheimer's research that is incredibly positive. In mice, of course, and only in vitro for human cells, but this is better news than anything else I've seen: Pharmacologic reversal of advanced Alzheimer’s disease in mice and identification of potential therapeutic nodes in human brain. It's peer reviewed and a reputable journal, since fingers crossed. Free access, btw, if anyone wants to read it. I did, though I want to print it out and go over it more closely.

I don't do New Year's resolutions. I used to give myself projects for each month, and that worked well (especially the eating down the freezer and pantry months...) but I haven't in a while. My goals for this year are to get STUFF out of my house. My FIL's, my MIL's first, then we can work on ours, LOL. I have some hiking goals as well, but the most important of them is to get out as often as possible and to pre-plan most of our hikes. Considering the amount of crowding on trails and the impossibility of getting campgrounds any other time than 6+ months in advance, we need to be planning early ie now.

Talking about planning, we're thinking seriously about going to Japan this spring. I'm not 100% sure I want to, myself, since crowds freak me out and I don't like seafood :) but Linnea wants to go, and she should be graduating this winter (though she'd walk at the end of spring quarter in June) so. This would be with all three kids. They do seem to have embraced the 'any vacation can be all inclusive if you go with your parents' thing, LOL.

I really want to move forward with getting my novel (self) published this year. I just don't know how to get any traction on promoting it if I do. Plus the expense, LOL, since using AI to make a cover is a big no-no. Still. I need to work on that.

Any on knitting. I started a hat, had to rip it all out and never got started again since I was lazy at figuring out how to fix the mistake that caused the previous fail! I need to get on with it!

Ah well.

ETA. Thirty years (OMG) ago. Sob.

1. Because the Dems caved, looks like Perry is headed down to California! So one thing good about the #$%($$(%!!!! fuckers caving to Trump and the fucking Rs. I just can't. I am so angry. My two senators are solid nos but I called them this morning to say thanks for the no vote, and please get fucking Schumer and Durbin out of leadership now because what they did was unconscionable.

2. As part of our half-marathon prep, we walked 10 miles on Saturday, after a few hours of work cleaning at the boathouse (yearly clean-up day). We finished, but much more tired that I'd have liked. And my new same brand shoes are not as comfortable as my old shoes were, but since they don't make the old shoes any longer, I had to get a new model, sigh.

3. I have to sit down and get Thanksgiving menus and plans sorted out. Note that my dining room table is still covered with my MIL's stuff, sigh. I've dealt with some of it, but a lot of what is there needs to be done by dh, imo, not me. We'll get to it, though it's annoying that I can't sit at my table to make my plans like I usually do! 🤣

OK, fine. 4 things.

4. This weekend my mom's move was on, then off, then on, then off, then on. At least I think it's currently on. Looks like it's happening this week. Dh has an MD appointment that I want to be around for (don't know if I'd go with him but I want to be immediately available in case things don't go well) so I can't get down this week. So sister and BIL have to deal with the move, with Larry's family helping, I guess. He does have a really big family so at least they.

1. I'm supposed to cox tomorrow. In a bow loader, which is difficult to deal with, and I'm terrified. I'm -god, this is embarrassing to admit- not always great with left vs right, and add in starboard and port and yeah, no, PANIC. I still haven't figured out the mechanics of spinning a boat, so it is going to be a complete cf. I've been dreading this but was hoping it wouldn't be for a few more weeks. I've been crying since I read that, because my first inclination is to bow out of rowing entirely. Yes, I am that scared. Add in the fact that that means I don't get any exercise tomorrow morning and I'm even more grumpy. And add to all that the fact that when I row I am usually wearing five layers of clothing on top and three on the bottom (bottom: thin synthetic layer, heavy weight wool bottoms, leggings, top: thin merino undershirt, heavy weight long underwear merino shirt, a high viz tech shirt, a jacket, and a rain jacket) and I still usually get off the water cold and unable to feel my fingers. I always have tended to too cold in the winter (and too hot in the summer) and I've lost a lot of fat-as-insulation. I'm not sure my body knows how to produce enough heat to keep me warm outside when not exercising. UGH. So I'm really dreading tomorrow. Plus I'll have to find time to exercise because I cannot go a day without. Again, UGH. They needed me in another boat, thank all the gods, because it was cold this morning!

2. I guess we're going to move my mom. The new place isn't nearly as nice, but I tend to think she's more attached to people than to spaces, so I think it'll be ok. It's just the logistics of this whole time is making my stomach hurt: my sister and BIL are leaving for 5 weeks right after they move her. I'll be going down the following weekend. I'd love to say that I could just go down by myself and stay a few days, but my MIL's move is still not done, we still have two cars full of stuff, a packed storage unit that needs to be rejiggered, and my dining room table and chairs are piled high with more stuff. I need that gone, and we need to help MIL get her space together. And of course it's the start of the holiday season.

3. Normally, this is my fave time of year. I love the transition to PST, the short days, the early darkness. NSM this year. I'm just exhausted and sleepy. I suspect that early morning rowing and the stress and physical demands of a 10-day move are just getting to me but it's hard, especially since I so look forward to this time of year. I mean... I should be baking gingerbread and starting my Thanksgiving prep, not trying to figure out how to sort through stuff that isn't even mine. Ah well.

I have to write up last weekend's hike and trip to a cool bridge, but I just don't have the mental courage. It's been... a week. Lots of stress, for no reason other than, oh, I don't have a job, Trump is destroying this country, we're supposed to be moving my MIL this weekend, and I am not getting enough sleep. So.

But here's a funny one.

I have a Fitbit. I (try to) get my steps every day, even on days when we row rather than walk, which nets less steps.

My problem -not a major problem- is my exercise goal of 5 days a week.

See, I don't allow my Fitbit access to my heartrate, so it counts exercise when it seems me moving.

You'd think an hour or so of rowing would do it, but noooo....

Why not?

Well, when things are going well in the boat, we are rowing at rate of 22 or so. That's 22 strokes a minute.

My body says that's real work.

My Fitbit sees step... 3 seconds.... step... 3 seconds... step... 3 seconds... and yeah, no, that's not exercise.

🤣

1. Rowing. Today was the Pink Ribbon Row, a fundraiser for breast cancer. All three of my kids were in boats, Perry in a single (2nd), in a double (2nd), and Linnea and Anne-Chloe rowed together in a double. As a result of Learn to Row, people now seem to be connecting US to THEM (especially Perry) as a very fast rate. And it's only going to continue: dh and I decided to... join the boathouse and continue rowing. It's going to disrupt our routines quite a bit: 5 am wake up three times a week at least... and that's if we go to the later class. If we decide to go to the earlier one, it'll be 4 am and driving in with Perry. We'll figure it out. All this on the background of dh's employer wanting RTO in February for 3 days a week, and nobody being happy about that.

2. Physically rowing has been a bit of a mixed bag for me: I love it, to my surprise, though I am always cold on the water. They tell me we'll get good workouts eventually and I believe them, but right now? I freeze. And I'm hurting. Perry has told me what I should do to fix the issues, but I haven't been able to reliably fix the issue and the sciatic nerve in my right leg is freaking hurting. It does not hurt while I'm rowing, or on long walks, but randomly during the day, it'll hit and I'll be pretty much hobbling and limping for a few hours. Do. Not. Like. It's been over a week of this, if I don't figure out something within the next week or so I'll head to a PT.

3. Bless her little heart for not saying anything, but Linnea managed to con the LtR coaches into taking her out on the launch on Friday, so she had a fullon view of my rowing, ouch and a little bit of dh's. She made it clear to both of us after we were off the water that she would not offer feedback unless we requested it, and I just didn't have it in me. What got me? She did talk about my boat in general (she was with the coach that had my boat) and her observations made so much sense, what we were doing as a group to eff things up. That said, we may not have been perfect but the 7 of us (instead of 8) won the three short races we did against dh's boat. 🤣🤣🤣

4. Yes, 4 is more than 3. Sigh. Anyhow, with boathouse membership, we get a club tech shirt. Patti, the person in charge, offered me... an extra-small shirt. I'm standing there, shocked that anyone could ever think I could ever fit in an extra-small. Body dysmorphia is read, people. It doesn't matter that intellectually I know that people who see me now see a smaller person, the emotional part of me just screams "they are not seeing the real you" and that's my reality. This doesn't happen with people who know me, but the random interactions with medical folk, the people at the dentist office etc. The Orwell (iirc) quote (paraphrased) of how inside every fat person is a thin person trying to get out? was never something I felt. There was never a thin person inside of me. That thin person never existed. It was me, and I am fat. And I am still the same person, therefor I am fat. And that's fine, but my perceived reality of me no longer fits with the reality of the world about me and I'm often confused. Just like how when I hiked or biked fat, I hated it when people complimented me, or implied I was a good fatty, or expressed surprise that I was where I was on a trail, I get nervous when people completely innocently imply that I am not, in fact, fat. I feel almost suspicious, like they are mocking me. Yeah, I'm pretty fucked up. Oh. And I took the small shirt so I can wear it as a top layer.

1. Today was day 3 of our Learn to Row class. OMG. So. Much. Fun. I suck, of course, but I am having a blast, hopefully I'll get better! Dh and I are not in the same boat, which is good. Both bow seats... which shocked the snot out of me because, not knowing any of us, the coach choses seats based on... size. The smallest person is typically in bow. And I'm still a bit shocked at that. Actually, a lot shocked. I looked around because I am short... I probably am pretty close to the lightest in the boat. This just does not fucking compute. Just does not. Even more shocking? I'm within a few pounds of being a legit lightweight rower. JFC. Anyhow, dh ended up in bow on Wed because we ended up short a rower and she decided to move him from 3 seat to bow. I was in one boat on Wednesday, and it wasn't great. She swapped dh and me today because the other coach, who'd been with my boat, said the Darkness was too big for me, which was true, half the time I was rowing towards my neck, not my ribcage. Today felt much much better. So far rowing starboard.

2. Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies. We've all seen it, right? And because I am an idiot, it's only now that that little laugh line is taking on a much more awful meaning. Dh and I were talking about what made Trump so irresistible to a large segment of the population, including members of the government, the judiciary, and certainly the media. And it's because they get to be part of something. It's like the reality that many bullies have their coterie of hangers-on. People who follow them, prop them up, help them... in exchange for the cookie. And in this case, the cookie is being on the winning side as vulnerable people are hurt. Getting the rejoice in the misery of others, in seeing people's lives ruined. Gloating as racism and misogyny run rampant. Hatred seems to be the most enticing cookie of all.

Started this yesterday, got distracted, LOL. Finishing Saturday, but keeping the original title!

3. We have so many photos from our astrophotography weekend. Dh took them. I was going to, but in the end, I was so freaking tired and out of sorts, I just hung out, helped my sister as much as I could, and did the support thing. And made loads of composition suggestions ("angle the camera a little bit further east so we can..." type things) and talked with him about exposure etc decisions. Part of it was because he is better with this camera than I am (I much prefer a more manual camera and that isn't a reality) so he got ahead of me in figuring how to set all the parameters especially in the dark, and while he offered many times to hand everything off to me and help me as needed, the photos he was getting were so awesome I didn't want to not get them so I could muck around. My plan is that next time we go to Bend, we'll go out again and we can do a low stakes photo shoot. Anyhow, I've downloaded and installed Adobe Lightroom and we have to pick the best shots and start mucking around with them.

Exhausting, but fun. It was a whirlwind of a week before leaving: I got home from Bend Sunday evening, and we left again Thursday AM. Dh was at trains Fri-Sat-Sun so pretty much got nothing done, Perry will do things if asked but isn't great -to say the least- at being proactive so I came home to a house that was in the same shape as when I left: chaotic. At least, unlike the lab, they didn't leave a mess for me to clean up. Anyhow.

We managed to get out relatively early Thursday morning and pretty much drove all day, from our place all the way to Redding. This is where, in, what? 2017? we picked up Twisp and Auri.

Nothing much of note that day. I did manage, via quick stops and lunch to get my steppies in for the day. We had dinner -mediocre pizza, and proof that even wood-fired pizza can be crappy- outside, which completely blew our conditioned-to-chilly-PNW-springs minds. And stayed at a La Quinta Inn which was borderline disgusting. I mean... The linens were clean, but it felt overall... just grody. Not just old, but old and not clean enough. We kept everything on hard surfaces.

The next day. Oh man, that was fantastic. Dh's stupid app (yes, Google maps) sent him to the wrong place so we ended up at the wrong entrance to Lassen National Park. So the snowshoe hike -we think?- we had hoped to do was out and we just checked out the maps to see what else we could do. Up we headed to a place called Chaos Crags Lake. It wasn't a lake, but a tarn, and it was incredible. We were in a small bowl at the bottom of said towering crags with an enormous scree slope (or talus slope?) above us. Periodically we'd hear rocks breaking off and glance up, but nothing made it down even remotely close. When we got to the tarn, there were frogs croaking but they quieted when they heard us. We stayed very still for a long while and they started up again, but then it was back to quiet when someone moved. The hike wasn't hard at all (NPS rated moderate) but it was a gorgeous reward for such small effort, even though there were patches of the s-word that we had to go over. Well worth it. I don't know how long it actually ended up being because I forgot to turn off stupid Strava and when I finally did remember, it had me doing a 689 mile hike at some ridic average speed, sigh. Deleted that real quick.

After that we continued our way down to Lake Natoma, east of Sacramento. Last time we went we were able to get out to Lake Tahoe, so we didn't even consider that this time. We arrived at our hotel, went out to dinner, and went to bed.

We were at the venue early and got to see Linnea, all bouncy and happy, before they launched. Yeah, she wasn't in the V4 she helped get there, but as always, she's positive and gives her all.

And they kicked ass. They were rowing in the open event, so no points, but they crushed the competition. As in, open water crushed. They were pretty fast, and the boat looked really good.

The V4 came in third, in a photo finish with SPU. With Linnea and Lex in the boat, they beat SPU last two times, but hey, I'm not the coach. Linnea is especially bitter about being out of the V4 boat because she was not given the option to seat race for her spot like the other girls were. Lex lost their seat race. Tbh, Perry said it was probably because with her insane weight to power ratio, Linnea would win the seat race and the coach appears to want a taller/heavier girl in that seat. So whatever. She's not going to Nationals either, and she's pretty devastated.

The V4 performance cost them the championship (which they won last year), despite the 8 kicking ass, as per usual so there were some pretty disappointed kids.

GNACs is three races. We drove from Washington to California, essentially, to watch our kid row for 2 minutes, which is about all you can really see of the 8 or so minute race. It was so totally worth it.

After that, dh and I headed north, driving from Sacramento up to Roseberg. We stopped for an early dinner at our fave pizza spot in Medford and made good time.

The next day, Sunday, we continued north. In Vancouver, we turned east for a bit with the plan to get climb Beacon Rock. Which we did. It's a fantastic trail: 53 switchbacks and 600 ft of elevation gain on a very short trail, but it never feels like like you're doing a lot of work. I didn't realize how much we'd climbed until I had to UGH head back down. I'd love to live in an Escher world where trails only go up.

And then it was onto home!

It was a good weekend.

I'll post links to the Flickr sets when I get them uploaded.

Looks like we are driving down to Sacramento this weekend. Linnea is rowing in the open 4, rather than the V4 and she's needing the emotional support. Plus it's probably her last collegiate race. So down we head.

I drove down to Bend this past weekend. I feel like I'm going to be hating on road trips for a bit!

Perry totaled the Prius, sigh. He's fine, so is the other driver. Same way as the other Prius, when the person in front of the person in front of him slammed on their brakes and as #3 he wasn't able to stop in time. The driver who caused this by braking had their car tapped by driver #2, but drove off without stopping or checking on their car, WTF is with that? The thing is... everyone who drives with him is impressed at how good a driver he actually is, he just seems to get caught in those wrong place wrong time situations (the third time he was rear-ended, he got stopped in time, so did the two cars behind him, but a 4th car -with no insurance, of course- came up and slammed into everyone, though Perry did not hit the person in front of him). Anyhow. Sigh. So yeah. He has to buy a new car, and hopefully his insurance won't drop him, though he's never had a claim with them. And we have to buy a car too. This just sucks. Dh keeps on insisting it's not worth it to repair the Pilot, and he might be correct, but he's doing zip to get anything in its place. This time of year, it's all work, trains, and the occasional surfacing for a rowing event. But ugh.

I'm off today, starting my new schedule. Boss wants me working M-T-W, which yeah, gives me 4 day weekends every weekend, but damn, Mondays are going to be difficult, getting back into the swing of things after that long of a break.

I had an interview this morning. Eh? Dunno.

Our pregnant mama rat had her pups, Elena sacrificed all but one but did the part I refuse to which is taking them away from her. Despite our desires, the three of us (E, the postdoc, and I) did not take mama out to cuddle her. I did, however, do the PI-to-PI transfer that means E or I did not have to euthanize her. I don't know what happens to her next, I hope for a better outcome. I was kinda horrified that they let me transfer her, without an official ok from the PI, though of course I had his verbal agreement. I suspect that in an effort to get the animal management off his plate, he gave me the keys to the (rodent) kingdom.

I had a weight check with my NP yesterday. BMI officially under 25, even accounting for the fact that I'm shorter than I used to be. 🤬 My 1.60 m is now just only 1.58 m, so no longer a short 5ft3 but an even shorter 5ft2 and a tiny bit of change. I remember measuring in at 1m60, because it was the height a few doctors used to bully me, since my 60 kg at the time -132 lbs- was OMG, disgusting and gross, I should not weight more than 50 kg (110 lbs), ie the number of cm after the 1 meter minus 10 that they used. I bulemia'ed my way to 55 kg (hey, it was the 80s, I was in good company) but could not get any lower. Ah well.

Other outcome of the visit: got persuaded to get two vaccines: pneumonia, since I guess at some point the rec went from age 65 to age 50, and shingles. They warned me the shingles vaccine was a bit rough. Yeah. It is. I got one in each arm -that was stupid, what was I thinking?- and now my arms are hella sore, I have chills and nausea. My body has not been doing well with vaccines these past few years, since the second mRNA shot. Ah well, done. And I must remind dh to get his, as well as an MMR booster.

Tomorrow is Opening Day for the boating season! Linnea will be racing in the 2V8, since there is no category for her V4 boat. Perry will be in an 8 with a bunch of WWU and Seattle U alumni, should be fun. I think they need to rename their team to the Flying Fossils and apply decals of a skeletal T Rex rampant. I'm thinking that dh and I should drop Perry off at the boathouse, leave our car there, then bike to the course. Once we decide we're committed to one side of the Montlake Cut or the other. I might leave our bikes in the lab. Yeah, it's frowned upon, but maybe nobody would notice on a Saturday?

Linnea and her team are down in Sacramento at WIRA's. Today was heats and Linnea's boat, the V4+ came in first in their heat, with open water between them and the next boat, and that qualifies them for the grand final tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

They apparently kept it at 34-35 strokes per minute for the whole piece, which is scary high rate.

Also, without paying you can't move back into the video, only watch live, but I snapped a photo or two on my screen and grabbed one off of Instagram, LOL.







That's my girlie in bow (left of the screen, right behind the cox. Rowing boats are backwards.)