Just fucking shoot me now...

[nwhiker]

The Fat Trap.

This is why I knelt there, in the small bathroom with red linoleum in my apartment in France, with my wash basin filled with warm water in the shower stall and a razor blade in my hand, hating myself for not even having the courage to kill myself. I've never lost that hatred.

I've also never lost the feeling that people don't understand fat. They just don't. Oh, there are some glimmers now: "It's impossible to lose weight!" Well no shit, Sherlock, I could have told you that 20+ years ago when I realised that I'd never be thin and thought that dead was better ya know?

Add in the constant reminder that fat people are really not people, but just lard to be eliminated (read my fat tag for prior examples, I'm too depressed to look for them) and it's no wonder that most of us feel like we really would be better off dead.

Maybe I'm not making sense. And I gained 6lbs in a week, because of two days of eating holiday food. It won't come off. I've been on a plateau for 6 months... why should I expect my weight to do anything but go up.

I live my life in a war zone: me against my body. There is no truce possible.

And it's very very frightening to realise that nobody, not doctors of scientists or fuckwit journalists like Gary Taubes, has a freaking clue as to what to do, how to help. There is lip service paid to not getting fat in the first place... but I have a fat kid, and let me tell you, we did everything the experts said to do, and yet, here we are. Another generation cursed, and more guilt for me, for having dared to have children.

So I panic, consider gastric bypass, and remind myself that with three children and a spouse who love me, suicide is no longer on the table. And some part of me regrets that I didn't succeed, so many years ago.

Comments

[camelsamba.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you didn't succeed, and so is your spouse, and so is the universe-of-friends that your children have... I'm sure there are others who would join me!

That article is rather depressing, though. I think I've heard parts of that before, but never in one place or when I was focusing on it. Yipes!

[nwhiker.livejournal.com]

You know, I'm glad I didn't succeed either, really. There are just days.... when I'm -yet again- struggling with "doing everything right" and having the damn scale go up anyhow, or when I read stuff that says, basically, why bother?

I mean, I know why. I know it's stupid to let the scale rule my life. I know what I'm doing and why.

It's just that some days bashing my head against the walls hurts and the realisation that I have to continue bashing bashing bashing terrifies me.

[besomom.livejournal.com]

Having never met you in person, I know nothing about your body. What I do know about you: you are passionate, witty, intelligent, caring, thoughtful, and devoted. You are an excellent mother. The world needs people like you in it, and the world will need the future generations you are nurturing today. You are so much more than your body.