Difficult conversations

[nwhiker]

Difficult conversations with my siblings on memory care. It's going to happen, probably early January.

The hard part is going to be... doing the actual deed of leaving her there.

She's going to hate it and she is going to feel -and rightly so- betrayed and we need to be prepared for the fact that she will never forgive us, and that makes me sick to my stomach.

What is good? My BIL is willing to step and drive her there, which would be easier than either my sis or me. She adores him (he's her age) and they get along well. I'd say dh could go along, but what with her living with us recently, I'm not sure it would work.

We are going to shift our speaking from 'going to live with Sophia' to 'going to live in Bend, remember, where you used to live before?' hoping she'll remember the decade she had living independently in Bend in her own place before things started to deteriorate.

My brother is perfectly ok with coming but 1) my mom would clue in that Something Is Up if he were there and 2) we'd rather he visit a few weeks later, I think. Also, he's a proponent of not telling her anything and just dropping her off. This is also what the facility recommends.

UGH.

Comments

[camelsamba]

I'm so sorry you all have to go through this, but I'm glad that you and your siblings are in agreement. Does the facility recommend that someone visit regularly during her transition phase, or that you wait for a few weeks?

And as far as 'betrayal' goes: you all need to prioritize safety for all concerned. If safety means she has to be in the care of 'strangers' is that really a betrayal? It's more like her mind has betrayed her, not you all. Doesn't mean it doesn't cause heartache though.

[nwhiker]

Thanks... Of course, things couldn't continue to be easy, if painful... my sister has balked again, so we're a) looking for a different memory care facility (*), b) exploring in-home care at her place and looking for respite care, and c) looking at places near me (**).

(*) The problem isn't the places, it's my sister. Each time she visits a place and sees the residents just sitting there, listless and unengaged, she freaks out, because -and this is true- that isn't quite where my mom is. She needs assistance, but not at the level that many of these folks are at. Blah.

(**) We need a place that will eventually take Medicaid because there is only so long she can afford 9-10k/month. There is one -ONE- in all of King County within an hour of me, all the others are 1+ hours away, closer to 90 minutes to two hours during rush hour. Not tenable. There are 9 faciliites in the county that contract with Medicaid. For the private pay? I stopped counting at 25, when I had reached the "Bs". I don't know what's going to happen in the next 10-20 years as the generation without pensions or retirement savings starts hitting memory care.

Sorry for the vent. Having some difficult conversations with sister.

[camelsamba]

Only one? Wow, those really are limited options. There is definitely going to be a crunch in the future.

Matthew & his brothers just moved their mom. The place she had been at had two options: independent or full-on memory care. A new director came on staff and gave an ultimatum that Sally needed to be in memory care, but she wouldn't have been able to keep her dog. They found a place which has an intermediate level called "terrace care". Sally has considerable memory issues, but is okay with many activities of daily living (not remembering to take meds though!), so this is hopefully a good fit. It's also a better environment for walking her dog - the other place was surrounded by busy roads and lots of driveways (plus they walk with herpart, of her daily exercise routine). The unfortunate part is that it's considerably farther from the Houston brother. (However, it's less than a mile from a couple of my high school friends - they even considered this place for his mom.) The company is called Sunrise fwiw.