Movie review: Polar Storm

[nwhiker]

OMG, worse movie EVER. Seriously. EVER.

I knew it was going to be bad. I've seen Core. That was pretty awful. And those comet movies. And the volcano-eats-LA movies. And Twister.

And they were all pretty bad, but bad in a way where you could at least have a good time.

This? OMG, this was so bad, the guys from MST3k would probably be speechless in horror.

Premise: a comet -remember what a comet is? A frozen chunk of rock and ice- is passing by the Earth, and it's majorly magnetic, and OMG a piece breaks off and slams into Earth, right in front of our hero, Supposedly-handsome-astrophysicist.

Great.

Supposedly-handsome-astrophysicist is married to Science-teacher-who-acts-like-a-brainless-bimbo, and has a son with trendy long hair and a bad attitude who hates his Science-teacher-who-acts-like-a-brainless-bimbo stepmother/science teacher.

So this magnetic ball of ice (not!) knocked the Earth off of it's rotational axis (10 degrees! The sun wasn't setting in the same location! Supposedly-handsome-astrophysicist figured this out all by himself, without the help of Intelligent-female-African-American-scientist!), and started to cause a supposed magnetic pole reversal.

Right.

But wait! As the poles are reversing (something that has happened, but not under these circumstances and this way), there are mini-poles created, and using electricity around these mini-poles causes them to discharge and people to be electrocuted and electronics to be fried because of EMPs. But turning off your car (or computer) when the EMP passes over you will prevent any damage. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Oh. And for some reason when these EMPs pass by? They causes pavement to open up and swallow cars, people, whatever, using special effects that make Tron's look slick and state of the art. Dh is looking for a better comparison, but no other natural disaster movie has had such horrid special effects. I mean... Dante's Peak's were better, and that movie was BAD.

Anyhow, bad to worse, to worser, and worsest.

Supposedly-handsome-astrophysicist is the son of Air Force General (wearing blue?) and OMG, manages to convince Stupid-but-loves-his-country-African-American-president that he Has An Idea and...

And just in case you needed to know when an EMP/mini-pole was gonna come get ya? The radio would start whistling. Dear god.

And the absolutely incredible visual of the Russian diesel sub being born to the surface of the Pacific by steam from vents in the Mariana Trench (it took them a few hours at most, btw, to sail in this old sub from Seattle to the Mariana Trench. Riiiiiiiiiiiigh), anyhow... that visual? I think they must have borrowed the director's son's bathtub toys.

God. That's it. I can't do this. I may have movie induced PTSD from this one, it was that bad.

It was so bad it was cringeworthy. And yet we kept on watching, because... it was so bad we couldn't believe how bad it was, and surely it had to get better?

Umm... No.

But... OMG OMG OMG!!!! Chile earthquake may have shortened days Seventh strongest quake in recorded history may have shifted Earth's axis!!! Ack! Beware of mini-poles and turn off your DVD player now before you're tempted to watch it.