Frangipane, Cancer, and Chicken Noodle Soup, Part 6,

[nwhiker]

Title: Frangipane, Cancer, and Chicken Noodle Soup

Author: nwhiker

Rating: NC-17

Length: About 60 kwords.



Note: Parts are for lj post length only.







Frangipane, Cancer, and Chicken Noodle Soup

They got through week one of the Couch-to-5k program, and decided to repeat it because neither felt their progress was secure. Jennifer counted out and they made a pact to do the Jingle Bell Run for arthritis is December. It gave them a goal, aside from getting back on the field, which Jennifer, who could be replaced if she got too tired, would be able to do long before Chris was ready.

One day as they were walking to cool down on their way back to their cars, someone called out, "Jennifer!" She stopped and turned around, and she glanced at Chris and rolled her eyes. "Oh great. Gary."

He caught up with them, and they moved to the side of the paved trail, and he knelt in front of Cody's stroller.

"Congratulations, he's a beautiful boy!" he said to her. "What's his name?"

"This is Cody, Gary. He's about 4 months old."

"He got your mom's blue eyes."

She nodded. "Double recessive blues, yup," she said. "We think he's beautiful, of course."

"Your parents and brothers must be over the moon."

"Oh yes. I'm sure you can imagine."

"How is Arizona treating them?"

"Um, they're moving back in September. My mom's finishing a college course down there, then they're driving up, taking a month or so, and they'll be back in Redmond."

The older man smiled and stood up. "Let me guess. Both heading back to work?"

"Yeah," she said.

He smiled again, turned to Chris, and held out his hand. "Gary Retton," he said.

"Chris Gallant," Chris said, taking the hand, and noticing the firm handshake.

"It's good to meet you, I've seen you with Aidan a few times."

"That was then," said Chris with a forced smile. "How's Connor?"

Gary nodded, and Chris couldn't quite make out the expression on his face. "That was then too," he said.

"Ah."

"I'm glad your course of chemo is over," said Gary.

"It's nice to start getting hair again," said Chris.

"I can believe it. Anyhow. Jennifer, congrats again, and," he leaned over to look at Cody, "I'll see you soon, bud! Please give my best to your parents and Ted and everyone." He smiled at Chris, and jogged off, calling out final goodbyes.

"Dumped his twink, eh?" said Chris, a distasteful look on his face. "Gah! Gross."

She was staring at him.

"Oh, sorry. Is he a friend of your parents' or something? I just despise the type, he makes me want to hurl."

Jennifer blinked slowly, realizing that this was the time to break a promise to her brother. "Chris. Gary was Aidan's partner. They were together for almost 12 years."

Chris stared at her blankly. "What?" he said finally.

"Gary and Aidan... well, they were together from the time he was 19 until he was over 30. They broke up about three years ago, when Gary took up with Connor."

"Aidan and that--?"

"Yeah," she said. "It wasn't quite like that, but yeah. Gary is 32 years older than Aidan."

"But-- He never said. And we saw him, Gary, with Connor a few times."

"Who, Aidan?" Chris nodded. "He wouldn't, Chris. He thinks... he thinks there is no difference between him and Connor."

Chris blinked in utter horror as the implications of this became clear. "I said... I said some pretty nasty things about Gary and Connor," he said.

Jennifer winced. "I'm sorry."

Chris shook his head. "I can't see Aidan like Connor, though. I mean, I just... can't."

"It wasn't like that," she said with a sigh. "Aidan thinks it was, but that is in retrospect. They did love each other, Gary loved Aidan in his own way." They'd gotten to their cars, and she put Cody in his carseat. "Look, I promised Aidan I'd not tell you about Gary, but I think it's time to break my promise to my brother," she said. "Come on, I'll make you lunch at my place. We need to talk."

Chris nodded, dully. He had a sour taste in his mouth, felt quite sick. Gary and Aidan. There was no way Aidan could have ever been the simpering, subservient partner that Connor had appeared to be. He got in his car, following her, remembering his comment of many months before, a comment he was now sure had hurt Aidan deeply. "Does he not get that all he is is a cute piece of ass for an older guy?"

They sat at Jennifer's kitchen table. Soup was heating up, and she'd thrown a frozen pizza into the oven. Cody was sitting in his bouncy chair on the table, playing with the toys that hung from the arch above him, and Jennifer said she hoped he'd go to sleep. They talked about running for a bit, until the soup was hot.

"I don't even know where to begin," she said, putting a bowl of soup down on the table with a sleeve of saltines. "I guess at the very beginning. Aidan graduated from Redmond High. To give you an idea? He was Salutatorian. He decided to go to UW because my parents used a state plan to pre-pay our college tuition and it made total sense. I was there too, Michael went to WSU. Aidan and I lived at home. At first." She stirred her soup. "Aidan was out, and pretty comfortable being gay, I think, all things considered. He'd had a few boyfriends in high school, one break up was pretty bad, but he was good. He met Gary when he was a sophomore at UW, he was 19. From what I know, they met at Starbucks. Aidan was studying, and Gary came in for a latte, they got to talking. Then Aidan told my parents he was bringing his new boyfriend for Thanksgiving and showed up with Gary."

"Who is... What? At least ten years older than your parents?"

"Eleven, but who's counting, right?" She rolled her eyes. "To their credit, they took didn't miss a beat and welcomed Gary. Try and eat, Chris."

"Oh. Yeah. Thanks." He picked up his spoon, she went on talking.

"They'd moved in together by the end of year. My parents were not too thrilled with that, but Aidan was so happy, and I think Gary was too. Gary had a small condo in downtown Bellevue, that's where he worked, and Aidan commuted to school."

She continued speaking while she made coffee. "Since you've seen Connor, you know what kind of relationship Gary is capable of. I don't think it was like that, with Aidan. As I said, my parents paid for college tuition and fees, we had to earn money for books and the like, and we could live at home as long as we wanted, and let me tell you, I did for the whole five years. Gary might picked up some of Aidan's expenses, and I know he paid for most of their living expenses, but I don't think either of them felt like he was... buying Aidan, or anything. I know when Aidan worked, which he did each summer... He has a lab tech certification, did you know that? Anyhow, he told me once that he and Gary each contributed one paycheck to their common account. Obviously, Aidan made a lot less than Gary. He, Gary I mean, is a financial planner, and he pretty much makes what he wants, but that's how they handled it, and I think it meant a lot to Aidan, that Gary never dismissed whatever amount it was he could pitch in. They did a lot of travelling, over the years. When I graduated, it took me five years, Gary took me to Europe as a graduation present, with him and Aidan. We had a blast. I don't know what people thought, but I do know one thing: they had fun together. Anyhow, Aidan graduated, and Gary was proud as proud can be. He'd told Aidan that they could go a on major trip around the world or something like that, to celebrate, or he'd pay for Aidan's Masters degree. Aidan wanted to get that Masters, so he decided on that and they just went on a short cruise to Mexico." She got out a carton of milk, and some sugar, put them on the table. "Shit. I forgot the pizza," she said as the timer beeped. She got the pizza out of the oven, and left it on the stovetop to cool a bit. "Aidan got his Masters in two years, even though he was working part time, still as a lab tech. Once he graduated, he got a job right away with a biotech company in Redmond, making rather good money, but he hated it. He'd have stuck it out, but Gary, and I know this because it was the topic at Thanksgiving Dinner one year, was very unhappy to see Aidan so miserable, and was trying to get all of us to help him persuade Aidan to get his teaching credentials. We all thought it was a great idea, and Gary had answers for everything. Night program, he'd drive Aidan to and from, so he could study an extra hour or so. They made it work, and Aidan managed to keep his day job and breeze through for a Masters in Education in Biology. Summa Cum, or course, like everything else he did. He got a job at Redmond Heights almost right away and I think he was ecstatic to get out of that awful biotech place, which may have paid beautifully, but was destroying his soul." She sliced up the pizza, got them both pieces. "Start eating, I'm going to put Cody down for his nap, he should go right out."

Chris picked at the pizza. He'd managed to eat the soup. He had had no idea about all this. Aidan had mentioned a long term relationship, but Chris had figured a few years, maybe, not over a decade. He thought back to his mocking words about Connor, and knew Aidan had been hurt, but also that Jennifer was not describing that same type of relationship, that it seemed that Gary and Aidan had been something else than that.

Jennifer came back, and picked up her pizza, took a few bites. "Anyhow, they'd moved to Redmond by then. They bought a beautiful little gem of a house on Lake Sammamish, and Aidan bought his condo. Gary pretty much managed Aidan's money, and let me tell you, he did good by him. He's a good investment type... Any idea of what Aidan's condo is worth now?"

"Yeah," said Chris. "It's in the building next to mine, and they're nicer, so ballpark."

"He paid 200k for it, in cash."

"Whoa," said Chris. That was peanuts compared to what his grandmother had paid for his, and they had a mortgage.

"Yeah. Gary had him buy it at the bottom of the market. They bought their house low too, I bet it's worth about three times what they paid for it, I think Gary has it on the market now, but Aidan still owns half. Anyhow, I think Gary left Aidan in pretty good financial shape, with a good job, and solid investments."

"Just an emotional wreck?" asked Chris.

"Yeah. I guess, and Aidan never gave me loads of details, after Aidan turned 30, things started to fall apart. Gary made comments about how old Aidan was, and that he didn't know what he was doing with such an old partner. The end lasted a few months, and they broke up three or so years ago. Aidan was devastated. He loved Gary, and it was very hard on him. He moved out of their house, into his condo, and went into hibernation for a while, I don't think any of us saw him for a few months, though he'd call from time to time."

"Ah," said Chris.

"In the meanwhile, Gary took up with Connor, and they moved into the condos that are between yours and the Redmond Towne Center Mall?"

"I know the ones."

"Redmond is a small town. Ted and I met them a few times, and I know Aidan did. I mean, he already knew Connor, he'd gone with a friend to some hot yoga class that Connor was teaching, and he dragged Gary the following week, and introduced him to Connor. Six weeks later, he was out, and Connor and Gary were living together."

"Oh god. That must have hurt."

"Everything hurt, Chris. Aidan was happy with Gary. I honestly believe he'd have been as happy if Gary was a janitor at the local school district, the fact that Gary was reasonably wealthy didn't factor into as much as you'd think. They had fun together, they travelled. Aidan grew into his own person with Gary, and you know he's a good man. Gary, for all I think he can be a jerk, treated Aidan well, and I think loved him, and he isn't a bad person. For example, he's real involved in getting legal aid for gay kids who're bullied."

"I knew the name and face were familiar!" Chris swallowed. It had been a long time ago, he'd been in pain, on painkillers, scared, and totally and utterly miserable, but something coalesced into a vague memory.

"Fight a bully with rainbows, yeah, that's him in part. He's not a lawyer or anything, but he's involved with that organization that gets lawyers to fight schools, and for gay kids who are bullied. As I said, not a bad person. Just a bit of a jerk when it comes to relationships."

She'd poured them both coffee and put a package of Oreos out on the table. "He told me once that his relationship with Aidan had lasted longer than any other, and that was when they'd been together for about five years."

"I have to say," said Chris slowly, "I'm a bit stunned. Aidan never ever mentioned his name, he talked about a long term lover, but I never thought it was that long term or anything."

She sighed. "Aidan, after the fact, looked at Gary and Connor, and decided that Gary and Aidan had been along the same lines, when it had not. But it was very hard to get him to budge on that, and I know he's used the term rent-a-boy, and twink to refer to himself." They both winced. "Chris. I promised him I'd not tell you anything about Gary, but I have to tell you one more thing. One of the reasons Aidan was concerned about a relationship with you was because he thought he was too old for you."

"Jennifer, he's only eight years older than me. Well, seven until his birthday."

"I know that. But that's the way he feels, or at least he felt. He said he didn't want to be on the other side of the chickenhawk-twink thing. I think he'd be able to move past that, but... Actually, Chris, this is beyond what I should be talking about, because it's current, and because I'm not sure how much is Aidan, and how much is me interpreting Aidan."

"I'm on my own, in other words?"

"Oh no. I'll help, I'll do whatever I can. I just wanted you to know that I think he's moved beyond the age thing. I hope. It doesn't mean he feels better about himself or what his relationship was, of course, but I don't think that's why he-- well whatever it was that he said to you."

Chris swallowed a gulp of coffee. "He said he wanted to be friends," he said, not looking at her. "I wanted more."

"I know," she said. "As I said, I can't say for sure, but if I were you, I'd get on with my life, and maybe look for Aidan down the road."

"Ah."

"Yeah. And being friends with me? Will help you. Right?" She smiled, and he did too. "Or at least," she added. "It can't hurt."

The doorbell rang and she ran for it, not wanting Cody to be woken up. She called out to him and he followed her into the front hallway, only to be handed a gigantic bouquet of flowers in a beautiful pale apricot colored vase. Birds of paradise and white hibiscus, and some reddish pink flowers Chris didn't recognize. He put it down in the middle of the table, while Jennifer followed him with two big boxes.

"Gary," she said.

"Oh."

"He does things like this," she said, opening the smaller box, which contained a silk stroller blanket in turquoise with red trim, the team colors of the Redmond Wallop, and a cute outfit that would fit Cody by the next fall. There was an envelope that she opened. Gary wished them well, wanted to welcome Cody, and had included a savings bond.

"College fund?" said Chris with a smile.

"Yup. Between you, Aidan, Michael, and Gary, Cody's got more money than Ted and me."

The other box contained a heavy silk robe for Jennifer, in apricot silk, almost the same color as the vase. She tried it on and sighed with pleasure. "This is great," she said. "Nice and silky." She looked at Chris. "This is what I mean, you know? He remembered my favorite flower, birds of paradise, my favorite color, apricot, and the colors of the Wallop's jerseys, though I suppose those showed up in the laundry often enough when he was living with Aidan. He got back to his office, and he arranged for all this. Do you see what I mean?"

Chris nodded. "A bad blind spot when it comes to his own relationships, but still someone who can care?"

"Pretty much. Can you imagine how confusing that makes things for Aidan?"

"I think I can, yes," he said.

Had they ever, he wondered, stood a chance, him and Aidan? Not without, he realized, some serious communication. Which hadn't happened. He finished his coffee, and went back to work, after making sure he and Jennifer had set training plans for the next day.

============ ============ ============

Chris thought about his conversation with Jennifer for a long time that evening, trying to tease out Aidan's fears, and motives, and replaying their final catastrophic conversation in his head, over and over. In retrospect, he sensed Aidan's distress, and his total inability to communicate whatever it was he was trying to communicate.

Chris went to bed, but didn't sleep for the longest time. What if what Aidan had tried to say, and Chris hadn't heard was not 'I don't want you but I want to be friends', but 'I think you need your own life back on track before I can say I want you'?

If life had been normal, if Chris hadn't gotten cancer, where had they been headed? Yeah, Aidan had run, and waking up that morning after having had sex, having made love, had been awful. But Chris hadn't planned on giving up, just on, perhaps, giving more time, different time, giving more space, and he'd hoped that at some point, they'd be able to get together again. He, even in the weeks of morosity after that painful wakeup, had never lost hope completely. Maybe Aidan would have come around, and they'd have had a shot at... something.

But cancer had happened, and shifted their landscape irrevocably. Chris knew he'd become dependent on Aidan, that he'd been very scared, and very alone, and Aidan had come to him and with a solidity and a confidence that Chris had marvelled at, he'd taken over, gotten Chris's life back together and walked him through cancer and its treatment. He'd made Chris feel safe and cared for, and then he understood.

The next morning, by the time he met Jennifer for their "training" he had a plan in place. Aidan was concerned that Chris had been vulnerable, and only wanted him because he needed him. He'd show him he could handle what life threw at him, that he wasn't scared, and once he'd done that, Chris hoped, they could meet again as equals, as adults, and men both ready for a new relationship.

============ ============ ============

Aidan's cell rang one morning in early August as he was mowing the lawn with his push-mower. The blades needed sharpening, and he already hot and sweaty and it wasn't even 10 a.m. Seeing Gary's name on the caller-id did nothing to improve his mood.

"Yes?"

"Aidan."

"Yes. Hello Gary."

"How are you doing?"

"Fine. What do you want?"

"I see. I was wondering if you could meet me at my office this afternoon?"

"Is it important?"

"Yes it is. I need a favor, and I have some things to talk over with you."

"I don't feel like--"

"Aidan, please."

He sighed. "Very well. What time?"

He showed up when he said he would and Gary's secretary, Judith, who had worked with him for two decades, gave Aidan a hug. "Good to see you, Aidan."

"Hello, Judith."

"Go on in. He's expecting you."

He want into Gary's office. He used to work in Bellevue, but as Redmond had grown, and its downtown become more than a few shops and restaurants, Gary had moved his offices there. Aidan looked around. He'd helped to pick out the furniture and the carpeting.

Gary came over and had the sense not to attempt a hug, for which Aidan was thankful. The two men shook hands, and Gary motioned Aidan to the large couch by the window. Aidan sat at one end, Gary on the other, and within seconds Casey, who was the all around office assistant, had come in with lattes from Starbucks.

"Thanks, Casey," said Aidan, smiling at the young man. "How's it going?"

Casey sighed. "I changed majors twice since I last saw you, still not graduated, but I'll get there!"

Aidan nodded gavely. When Casey had left he commented with a smile, "Still working to support his perpetual student habit!"

"Yes, most definitely."

They sipped drinks for a few seconds. "All right, Gary. What do you want?" Aidan wanted this over as soon as possible.

"I met Cody the other day."

Aidan smiled. "Isn't he beautiful?"

"He is. Your mom's eyes."

"I know. Lucky boy, he'll break some hearts."

"Like his uncle?"

"Excuse me?"

"I met Chris Gallant as well, with Jennifer."

"Are you trying to stir up trouble, Gary?"

"I'm trying to understand why you'd care for someone who was in piss-poor shape and then let them go when they were well?"

"Maybe it's none of your fucking business. Are we done?"

"I'm sorry, Aidan. I just--" Aidan started to stand. "All right. I'm sorry. Done with that subject. He seems nice, though."

"He is, and I'm not discussing Chris, Chris and me, or anything about Chris with you."

"I met him once before," said Gary.

This piqued Aidan's interest. "Chris? When?"

"When he was fourteen. After his grandmother called the foundation to see about finding a good lawyer to go with them to press charges against the boy's father."

"Oh? For what?" asked Aidan.

"Attempted murder. He tried to stab his son to death."

Aidan felt sick. "Gary?"

Gary walked across the room and got a glass of water and handed it to him. "I guess when he told his father, that asshole, that he was gay, God's Knight decided to kill his son, and took a knife to him. The boy managed to get away, with a pretty deep wound, though not a penetrating one. He wouldn't press charges. Claimed that his father had been going to hug him and "forgot" that he had a knife in his hand."

The six inch scar on Chris's chest. Aidan took a sip of water. "Why are you telling me this?"

Gary looked away from Aidan when he spoke, "It must be hard to trust someone when one of the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally tries to kill you. Rejection must take on a whole other dimension."

Aidan was silent and they sat for a good five minutes while his heart slowed down to its normal rhythm. "What else did you want to see me for, Gary?" he asked, pleased that his voice was steady.

"We have an offer on the house. Full price offer, by the way," he said.

"It's your--"

"It's jointly owned by us, Aidan. Proportionally you paid in as much as I did."

"Please, Gary--"

"Anyhow, once the mortgage is paid off, there will be some money coming to you. Closing will be sometime in September, you will need to be there, I'll let you know when."

"Very well," he said. He knew the money would be significant. "I still don't think that I should get--"

"Aidan. We were partners, equals. It was our home. Please don't equate you and me with Connor and me."

Aidan blinked. "What are you talking about?"

Gary shook his head. "We were real, Aidan. You and me. You know, one of the reasons I held off on selling until I got a full price offer is because that house is the last bit of 'us' and I guess I'm reluctant to let that go."

"I think you and Connor pretty much trampled on any 'us', Gary."

"I'm not asking you to forgive, Aidan, or to understand. Just to acknowledge that it wasn't a meaningless decade or so fling on either of our parts. I did love you."

Aidan didn't answer. They again sat in silence until Gary broke it. "Last thing. I'd like you to have my medical power of attorney, and I wanted to make sure you'd be ok with being the, umm, person who makes the final decision, if need be."

"Gary, is everything ok?" The flash of pain in his chest told him that he still cared about the man who been his lover and partner for so many years.

Gary laughed. "I'm fine, in good health according to my doctor. He just pointed out that I had nobody on file for that, and I should."

"Your brother?"

"Is, as you know, five years older than me, and a two times cancer survivor. He doesn't need that crap. I can't think of anyone else I trust enough to make those decisions, and I think you know me enough to know what my wishes would be."

Aidan nodded. He couldn't keep all of the bitterness out of his voice when he said, "God, everyone wants me to be the one to pull the plug."

"Chris?"

"Yeah. I found out I'd been nominated when he was in the hospital with pneumonia, and on a vent."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. But yes, Gary. I'll do what you need me to."

"Thank you. I know I can trust you. You won't let me linger, and since you didn't kill me when you found out about Connor, I figure you won't if I have a decent chance at a decent quality of life."

"As long as I'm not in your will, we should be good," said Aidan with a smile.

"You are. So you know. With my nephews and niece. Hey, shut up. It's not like I have anyone else, ok? Just forget I mentioned it."

"Gary--"

"Did I just give you a headache?"

"What do you think?"

"I think I must have. Sorry. I'll buy you dinner to make up for it."

"Gary, I don't want to--"

"Be seen with me?" he asked, and Aidan sensed the pain that this caused Gary.

"I was going to say get any closer than we already are. I've never been ashamed to be with you."

"That was before. Before you knew about my stupidity when it comes to men like Connor. You never met Mitch or Gabriel, or Reilly." Those were previous lovers of Gary's and Aidan had known only their names. They'd been like Connor, he guessed.

"Gary--"

"I need to you to know that it was different, you and me," he said.

Aidan nodded slowly. "I'd like to believe that."

"OK. Here's what we're going to do. You go home, take some Motrin, get a shower. I'll pick up pizza and a bottle of that sweet crap you call wine, and I'll meet you at your place. We'll have pizza, and we'll talk about nothing serious like Advance Directives, and plugs, we'll feed leftover pepperoni to the fish, and you'll tell me what the hell happened between you and Chris."

"Gary--"

"I'll see you in hour."

The evening went about like Gary had suggested. Gary was perhaps the only person, he found, that he could trust with the whole truth, all his fears, his doubts, and his shame. Gary didn't judge anyone but himself, and in the end, Aidan was left feeling better about who he was, and what he was.

"You're not like me, Aidan.You'll never be like me." After they'd said goodnight, and Gary was walking down the path to his car, Aidan called out, "Gary?"

"Mmm?"

"I loved you too."

Gary smiled at him, and waved, and Aidan closed the door, and walked up to bed. It felt like closure, and a clean slate.

============ ============ ============

The excitement of a new school year. Aidan settled in right away, and after the chopped up experience the previous year had been, he looked forward to continuity with his classes. He hadn't made many changes to this year's program or offerings, since he felt he'd not given the previous year's a fair chance.

Only one date was on his calendar, the second Monday of the month, when Chris's scan was scheduled for. He didn't know if Chris would want him there, but he planned on emailing him when it got closer and finding out.

============ ============ ============

He checked his email before shutting down his computer, late on a Friday afternoon. He was going to try to move the 12th grade project class. The kids were conflicted: half interested in what they were doing, but also half wanting to Get. Out. Of. Here for the weekend. The class ran long, as his project classes often did.

There was email from his parents, who were on their month long drive back up to Washington state. Their belongings had been unloaded into Aidan's condo the previous Monday, and they themselves would be out of cell phone contact for a day or so, the email said, as they'd be at what his father called an Undisclosed Location in Mt Zion National Park. Aidan emailed back his wishes for a nice break, and opened the email from Gary. Closing was set for the following Thursday, at the time Aidan said he'd be free. Maybe they could have dinner afterwards? Aidan added the appointment to his schedule, and answered yes on the dinner. They'd done that a few times already, had dinner together, and navigated to what their next steps would be, in this "ex" relationship. Each time he'd emailed to set it up, the last sentence in Gary's email had always been, 'Of course feel free to bring a friend Chris.' Aidan rolled his eyes each time, but somehow appreciated the thought, and perhaps what Gary was trying to get at. No answer from Chris. He'd emailed him the day before, asking him to Second Sunday Supper, and if he wanted Aidan to come to the scan on Monday. He sighed. Maybe he'd been wrong. It was no consolation that Gary, once he'd understood Aidan's reservations about starting a relationship with Chris, had agreed with him. He'd poo-pooed the age concern, of course, but not the vulnerability one.

Hauling his laptop case, his lunch box, his now empty coffee mug, and the jacket he'd needed in the morning chill, but that was useless in the still warm evening. His cell phone rang. Crap.

He put everything down, the jacket fell, he got the phone from his pocket. Chris. He answered quickly.

"Chris."

"Aidan. Oh god, Aidan."

"Chris, what's the matter?"

"I'm going to die."

His voice was sharp. "Chris, are you in immediate danger?"

He heard a sob, then the answer which left him shaking in relief. "No, but I still have cancer. It's not gone."

His heart sunk, and he fought against panic. He looked around, and moved to lean against a tree.

"Chris, tell me, what happened, what's going on?"

He could hear Chris trying to catch his breath, not being able.

"Are you at your place?"

"... Yeah..."

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

He sped through town, cursing rush hour traffic, and took a few lights "a bit ripe" as his dad would say. He hoped the code still worked for the downstairs door, and it did, he ignored the elevator and run up the four flights of stairs, and rang the bell, and then Chris opened, and Aidan finally -finally!- had him in his arms.

Chris held on, burying his face in Aidan's shoulder. He was trembling and Aidan felt a wave of sympathy, fear, and pain, all mingled. He kicked the door closed, and got Chris back to the living room, and onto the couch. He left him there, went to the kitchen and poured them both glasses of wine.

He put the glasses down, and sat next to Chris, then pulled him close, to where his head was on Aidan's chest. He sighed at how protective of Chris he was.

"Tell me, Chris. Why do you think the cancer's still there?"

"The scan results."

Aidan shuddered and he knew Chris felt it, and his blood turned to ice. "So you've had the scan and talked to Dr Murray?" he asked, amazed that he hadn't started to panic.

"No," said Chris.

"No, what?"

"I had the scan today," said Chris, "but I haven't talked to Dr Murray or Dr Weinberg."

"Who read the scan?" asked Aidan, suddenly alert.

"Nobody. But I know."

Chris was distraught so Aidan counted to five. "Chris, if nobody read the scan how can you know the cancer is still there? You can't read the damn thing yourself, even if you managed to sneak a peak at it."

Chris's voice was shaking. "They asked me to come back for more testing," he said.

"And? So?"

"That means that they found something and want to get a better look at it," he said.

Aidan sighed. "Who called?"

"Uhh... I'm not sure. The radiology place, I think."

"What did they say?"

Chris shifted a bit and Aidan bit his lip, scared despite himself by how good having Chris close to him felt. He pulled his cell out of his pocket and tried to recall a message, but his fingers were trembling, and Aidan ended up taking it from him.

"Mister Gallant? This is Dave, I'm a radiology tech over at Radiology Eastlake? There was a problem with the PET scan you had this morning over here, and we were wondering if you could come in to repeat it on Monday morning? I've booked you for 7 a.m., if you can't make it give me a call...."

Aidan closed his eyes. "Chris, that was the tech. There was a problem with the scan, that doesn't mean that anyone has read the scan and found a problem with it."

They went round and round. Chris was scared, and Aidan had a hard time understanding how someone who'd been so... together, and brave when it came to treatment, its side-effects, just fell apart when confronted with scans. Even, he realized now, the simple white cell counts had worried Chris beyond what Aidan would have expected. The thing he had to remind himself of, as he explained for the millionth time that the tech would not be calling him back even if his PET scan had lit up like a Christmas tree, was that Chris's distress was genuine, and that dismissing his fears would not help.

Aidan called Dr Murray's emergency number, and left a message. He was sure there was nothing to worry about, but Chris needed to hear it from someone in authority.

He took a large sip, and then another of the wine, and his cell rang. Dr Murray. He was at the airport on his way out of town for the weekend, but he hadn't seen the scan, and hadn't read it, and thought it was scheduled for Monday anyhow? Aidan said that Chris had pushed the scan up and explained the call.

Dr Murray said that he'd try to contact the radiologist on call to see if they knew what happened, but he told Aidan that he'd not seen the scan, and had no idea if someone had read it.

"Maybe there was a technical problem?" he suggested.

"That's what I thought, but Chris says the tech told him the scan went well."

Nothing was resolved, and Chris was pale. Aidan handed him the wine, now warm, and told him to have some. Chris drank half the glass down.

"I thought I was going with you for the scan," he said finally. He wanted to ask Chris why he'd rescheduled, since Dr Murray hadn't appeared to know about it either.

"I didn't think you would want to," said Chris.

"Except that I emailed you."

"I suppose."

"I'm sorry, I should have been there."

"To hold my hand, because I'm such a fucking loser I can't even get a mere scan by myself? Poor little Chris needs help?"

Aidan winced at the anger. It hurt him, and he could see through the anger that it hurt Chris too. "No," he said. "But I did say I'd be there if you wanted me, and I'd hoped you did."

"I guess I didn't want you then, huh?"

"I guess not," said Aidan not wanting to point out the contradiction of not wanting him there for the rescheduled scan, yet calling him when there was a problem.

Chris, however, seemed to realize it. He stood and walked over to the window and looked down at the Sammamish River and the trail next to it, with people running, walking, roller-blading, biking. "I wanted to show you that I didn't need you, I figured I'd go for the scan early, and then the appointment by myself, and you might stop thinking that the I'm emotionally not able make a coherent decision about wanting or not wanting a relationship with you." His back was still to Aidan. "That worked well, huh? What's the first thing I do? First sign of a problem, I call you."

"I'm glad you called," said Aidan. "I'd have hated for you to go through this anxiety and fear by yourself."

"Right," said Chris, his back to Aidan. "Only I've just shot to hell any chance that you might someday think I'm capable of consent, and of knowing the difference between wanting to be with you because... well, because, and because it's pretty fucking obvious that I need you. Shit."

Aidan came to stand behind him, not touching but close. "Let's have that conversation after your appointment Monday."

"Why? So you can bail out if the cancer isn't gone?"

Aidan didn't answer, and already Chris had gone on, "Shit, Aidan, that was not fair of me, and that was wrong. You stayed, and took care of me, and Kyle and Rashid just washed their hands of me and called you as soon as there was a problem. I know, I mean, I really know, that you'd--"

"Chris, it's ok."

"No, it's not. I'm sorry." He walked back to the couch, picked up his wine, and stared at it. "Can I make you dinner? Or get you more wine?"

"Can you come over and kiss me?" asked Aidan. He blinked. Chris stared at him. "I didn't mean to say that. Sorry, it just popped out."

They both started to laugh. "OK," said Aidan. "Plan. How about we get dinner, and make something for dessert that is sweet and gooey, and we sit and talk for a while. I think we have things we really need to discuss."

"Can I kiss you first?" asked Chris.

"Come here," said Aidan.

It felt so good to hold Chris again, to run his fingers in Chris's hair, still very fine, but there. He sighed with pleasure, and closed his eyes for a moment, and Chris was kissing him, covering his face with kisses, his eyelids, his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, his chin, and finally, after more wanderings, his lips.

Lips, and tongue, and the taste of Chris, the smell of Chris, the feel of Chris against him. Aidan held him close, held him dear. They took their time, each knowing though it had been unsaid, that this was all that was happening that evening, but by pressing against each other, they both acknowledged that it was by unspoken agreement, not lack of desire. Of desire, thought Aidan, there was plenty. He wanted nothing more than to take Chris's hand, and walk down to the bedroom, or, heck, just get him onto the couch. But they stuck to kisses and holding and touching, and Aidan shivered with utter pleasure when Chris slipped his hands under his shirt, and touched his bare skin.

They parted slowly and went back to the couch. Aidan's phone rang about then, and he finished his wine, now room temperature, before answering. It was Dr Weinberg.

"Jack asked me to call," he said right away. "We're trying to figure out what went on with Chris's scan. Is he there?"

"Yes. Shall I put you on speaker?"

"Sure. Look, I talked to the radiologist on call, and he hasn't seen or read the scan, and can't seem to find it or access it. He said he'd try to reach the two other doctors who were there today, in case either of them had read it, but he doesn't know."

Aidan blinked slowly. "Why would they have called for a repeat scan?" he asked. He knew Chris needed to know, even if the answer wasn't good.

"A few reasons. It could be that the scan was bad, though the tech told Chris it was a good one, right? It could be that when the doctor looked at it, if someone did, there was something questionable--"

"By questionable, do you mean cancer?" Chris's voice was clipped.

"Maybe. Maybe inflammation, the PET will pick that up as well, maybe just bad imaging, for whatever reason. Hard to know without the results."

"So?" asked Aidan.

"I don't have an answer for you, Chris, Aidan. I can't speculate. I'd tend to blame technical error, since Jack said the tech had called Chris back, not a doctor?"

"Yes."

"Look, don't sweat it, try to relax, and we'll see on Monday. You're rescheduled for early, right, Chris? And then us early afternoon?"

"Yes."

"We'll see you then. Call if you have any concerns, all right?"

After they'd hung up, Chris turned to Aidan. "Call if you have any fucking concerns?" he said. "Oh, the chemo we did might not have fucking worked, you might still be riddled with cancer, or it's recurred or whatever, enjoy your weekend, and call me if you're concerned?"

Aidan smiled. "They do their best, Chris. He can't help, I actually think that if they were worried, they'd do something. They think it's a technical glitch of some sort."

"What do you think?"

Aidan only hesitated for a breath. He and Chris had promised each other the truth, and he'd tell it now. "The intermediate scan you had was so positive, Chris, that I can't think that this is a recurrence. That shit was working. I'm going with the technical glitch of some sort, but I'm not going to pretend that I'm not worried."

"Thanks," said Chris. He leaned over and kissed Aidan once again on the lips. "Come on, I'll make you dinner."

Aidan watched Chris make Alfredo sauce. "So that's why it's called heart attack on a plate," he said, and Chris laughed. After eating, they made brownies, and put them in the oven, then Aidan gazed in awe as Chris made caramel sauce, browning the sugar, adding the cream, and once the brownies were done, they ate them with vanilla bean ice cream and hot caramel sauce.

"God, some day this food is going to catch up with us," sighed Chris.

"Tell me about it. And you at least will be able to make veggies taste palatable. Me? Pah. I'll be eating green beans out of a can."

"Too much salt, probably. You'll have to go frozen."

"Oh yeah, right. Gah. Broccoli, blech!"

"Do you actually like any veggies?"

Aidan grimaced. "Not really. I mean, I tolerate some of them, but like? Not so much. Carrots, I suppose. I eat most fruit, though."

"Oh Aidan, you're a food disaster waiting to happen."

"Already happened, probably."

"Maybe I'll take it on as a challenge to get you to enjoy your veggies."

Aidan smiled. "You tried that already. Then they started to make you feel queasy too, so you stopped."

"Wait, wait, wait! You cannot compare me feeling nauseous at the thought of eating cabbage because I was in the middle of chemo with you just stating that 'cabbage is gross and smells like rotten eggs' which is the comment I think you made. I have never overcooked cabbage to the point where it smells like rotten eggs, by the way."

"I don't think I said rotten eggs. I think I said it degassed hydrogen sulfide."

Back and forth, and Chris was laughing and Aidan felt happy because he could tell that Chris had relaxed in the past few hours, they'd pushed back darkness and whatever Monday would bring for a little while.

============ ============ ============

They slept together in Chris's bed. Once the room was dark, Aidan had leaned over and kissed Chris on the shoulder. "Once we talk, ok?"

"Yeah," said Chris. "We should have, but gooey dessert and just laughing, you know, felt good."

============ ============ ============