Frangipane, Cancer, and Chicken Noodle Soup, Part 7

[nwhiker]

Title: Frangipane, Cancer, and Chicken Noodle Soup

Author: nwhiker

Rating: NC-17

Length: About 60 kwords.



Note: Parts are for lj post length only.







Frangipane, Cancer, and Chicken Noodle Soup

They went hiking the next day. Aidan manouevred his Subaru up a bumpy Forest Service road to a trailhead where there were only a few other cars. They hiked in silence most of time, slower than Aidan's usual pace, altitude and slope made it harder for Chris than running.

"God, will I ever be in shape again?"

"Sure you will. Keep running with Niff--"

"You knew?"

"That you and Niff have been running together? Yeah, she told me. She also told me... you'd met Gary."

"Yes," said Chris, still panting, but trying to keep his voice neutral.

"Gary told me that too."

"You still see him?"

"We've had dinner a few times."

"Oh."

"Nothing like that, Chris. I should have told you about Gary before. It wasn't fair of me not to."

"Why didn't you?"

"Would you tell a person you liked, and maybe wanted to get into a relationship with that you'd been a rent-a-boy, a twink?"

"Aidan! That's not--"

"Maybe it isn't, Chris. That was how I was afraid you'd see me. You met Connor."

"Aidan--"

Aidan stopped on the trail, and turned back to Chris, who was two feet back and two feet lower. "Chris, we first saw Connor together when we'd known each other for what? A few weeks? A few dates? If I'd said 'that's my ex' what would you have thought? Be honest."

Chris dropped his eyes. "But Aidan--"

"So it was easier not to say anything then. Especially since you don't seem to have a high opinion of... that type of relationship."

"Does anyone?"

Aidan shrugged. "Perhaps not. Connor, maybe. He now owns his own yoga studio. Me? I've more education and more money than I would have if I'd not met Gary. You can decide." He turned away from Chris and started back up the trail.

Chris caught up with him, half running, the effort visible. "Jennifer thinks--"

"I'm pretty sure I know what Jennifer thinks. I don't care about that, I care about what you think." He continued walking.

Chris stopped, and Aidan did too. He did not turn.

"What do you think, Aidan?" he asked.

Aidan didn't answer and they continued up the trail to the small Alpine lake that was their destination. They hopped on rocks over the outflow, and walked by the edge of the lake to a large boulder that overhung the water. They both got their water bottles out, drank, then Aidan took off his pack, sat down, and found the trail mix. He handed the bag to Chris, drank some more. "I don't know, Chris. At the time, no, never. God, I loved him. It was good. He was so handsome, heck, he still is. He reads a lot, he's travelled to half the countries in the world. I could not believe, here was this incredible person, older than me, etc etc, who wanted to be with me. We had fun together, we travelled, I learned to sail a boat, and to ride a horse. We went to plays, and concerts, and even to the opera. We went to every gay rights march and parade nearby, and some not so nearby. Gary's not just a liberal, he's an activist and he taught me that if I cared about a cause, I had to stand up and be counted, and work for what I believed in. I think I'm a better person because of having been with him."

He took the bag of trail mix from Chris, ate a few peanuts, and wished he hadn't. He drank more water. Chris hadn't spoken, and Aidan knew he had to continue.

"I grew up with Gary, Chris, in so many ways."

"So it was a good relationship?"

"I think so. I loved him. He says he loved me. We were good together."

"And physically? Was it good for both of you?"

Aidan blinked. "Are you asking me if I was his butt boy?"

"No! That isn't what I--"

"Yes it was," Aidan said, his voice tranquil. "Didn't you wonder if Connor knew he was nothing more than a piece of tight ass?"

"Well, yeah, but--"

"Does it matter? We were in a fulfilling relationship, both emotionally and sexually."

"But was in a equal one?"

"I fuck you, you fuck me?"

"No," said Chris. "Equal as in equal partners? I can't see how it could be."

"I'm glad you're being honest," said Aidan, trying to keep his tone calm. "I'd have to say yes, it was. Maybe not at the very first, the first few weeks, when I was completely and totally in love, and in awe, and a few other things like that. While you may not, in the end, think much of me, Chris, my relationship with Gary lasted eleven years, and most of them were happy ones for both of us. After Connor, and up until really, these past few weeks, I'd doubted that, wondered if maybe you were right, if I'd been Gary's twink for a decade. But you know, I wasn't. The age gap would belie that, but deep down inside I know that isn't the whole truth." He was silent after that. It had taken him a while to unravel his own feelings.

"What's it to me?" asked Chris.

"Excuse me?"

"You said that I might not think much of you because of you and Gary. Why should I care?"

Aidan stared out at the deep blue lake, under the blue sky, at the other shore, with the small stunted pine trees, at the craggy peaks above. That was the crux of it. Why should Chris care? He felt he was being outtalked in a debate, outplayed in chess, outclassed. "I don't know," he said. "You asked what I felt about my relationship, I answered." He started to stand, his throat tight. He'd misread the situation, or the knowledge of Gary and Aidan-- but what about the kisses, the previous evening?

Chris grabbed his hand, and pulled him back down. "No, that isn't what I'm saying," he said. "I'm asking why you think I should care about you and Gary, and your relationship."

"You asked."

"I asked what you thought of it. Because what you think about your relationship with Gary has an impact on your relationship with me. You and Gary, whatever you were together, doesn't, and won't, can't, change how I feel about you. And, I said a cute piece of ass, not a tight one."

He moved to straddle Aidan, blocking his view of the lake, and Aidan looked up at him. "You didn't want to be like Gary, so you ran, right? I was too young, later, I was too vulnerable, too needy. That's where I see the effects of Gary and Aidan and I need to understand them. Now I realize that there was so much more to Gary and Aidan, and maybe you were the one who didn't understand it, but maybe you do now?"

Aidan nodded slowly.

"So you lived thinking you'd been... nothing much in Gary's life since you two broke up?"

Aidan nodded again.

"And when it came to you and me?"

Aidan's throat was still tight, it almost hurt to speak. "At first eight years seemed such a big gap, too big. Because I didn't want to take advantage of someone younger, if even I could. I didn't want to be," he winced at the word, but used it anyhow, "a chickenhawk. And then I saw how you felt about Connor, and I was ashamed, because Connor was me."

"But he wasn't, right? You just thought he was."

"Gary... Gary and I talked a few weeks back. He says it wasn't. And I hadn't thought it was at the time so I..."

"You what?"

Aidan swallowed. "I guess I decided to give myself the benefit of the doubt, and I hoped that... that you could get past the thirty years age difference, and see the relationship for what it was."

"It matters to you?"

"What?"

"How I saw you and Gary?"

"It matters to me how you see me," he said, honestly.

"Aidan, maybe it would have made a difference, last September, when I'd just met you. But now? Heck, by last November, I'd have known better. Because by then I'd seen the type of person you are, and now... God, Aidan. What's that silly expression? You walked through the utter hell that is cancer by my side, Aidan, and I may still not be out of it yet, and somehow I'm betting you'll be there with me. That's the measure of a man, of a human being." He leaned over, and kissed Aidan's lips, then settled himself on Aidan's thighs. "Too heavy?"

Aidan shook his head, still looking at Chris, still enjoying the sweet touch of lips.

"And I figured it out, you know. Why you backed off. Because I wanted you, but I also needed you, and you tried to give me time to figure out what was want and what was need?"

"How could I not, Chris? If something happens between us, I want it to be real, because we've chosen each other, not because you think you might need me."

"I know. I was angry, that night on Valentine's Day, when we started, and then, well, you know."

"Yeah."

"I didn't realize until later, when I was down a bit after the meds, what you meant about consent. We were pretty out of it, huh?"

"I think so."

"What makes consent so important to you? I mean, we both wanted to make love, and I think we were both equally impaired?"

Aidan swallowed. "I don't know, Chris. Just that full consent is, and has always been, crucial to me. It just is. I know we both were fine with what was happening, but I didn't want you to have any regrets, and I still think that your consent was tied up in a whole bunch of fear, and gratitude, and needing me."

"I went to Rashid's to hurt you."

"Ah."

"Did I?"

"Do you want to have?"

"No. Because I don't want to hurt you. But I'd like it if you cared."

Aidan nodded slowly. He shifted to settle Chris better on his thighs. "You hurt me. I did care, I do care."

"You do?"

"I love you."

Chris's mouth hung open. "You --what?"

"I love you. I have for a while." He looked away. It was obvious to him that Chris didn't share his feelings. It hadn't been the same for him as it was for Aidan, and Aidan kicked himself for his confession. He'd burdened Chris with something he didn't need.

"Aidan--"

"Don't. Please don't say anything. Just don't." He shifted again. "Come on, let's head down, so we're out on the main road before it's dark."

"Aidan, I need to--"

He shook his head. "I don't think I want to hear it, Chris."

They walked back to the car in silence. It took a long time, and Aidan couldn't wait to be alone. Chris tried to speak a few times on the drive back to Redmond, but Aidan's monosyllabic answers seemed to discourage him.

He dropped Chris off at his place. "Shall I pick you up tomorrow evening for Second Sunday Supper, if you want to come?" he asked.

"I'd like to. Is the Wallop playing tomorrow?"

"In Issaquah."

"I'd like to see you play."

Chris left his comment hanging and Aidan knew what he wanted him to say. He sighed. "I'll come get you."

Back at his place, he left his gear in the front hallway and headed straight for the shower. He'd misread Chris. What he thought had been, might have been, love, was in fact desire and caring. He had no doubt Chris liked him, cared about him, but his feelings were not the same as Aidan's. Chris wanted him, that much he'd made clear, and liked him-- he tapped his head against the tile, trying to chase out the thoughts, the humiliation.

Towel around his waist, he headed towards his room when the front doorbell rang. He ignored it. There was nobody he wanted to talk to or see that evening. He got his pajama bottoms on. The doorbell rang again, followed by knocking. He sighed, went downstairs. He was pretty sure it was Chris.

He didn't want to hear Chris make excuses, or worse, tell Aidan he loved him when he didn't. He sat down in the kitchen, resolved to read and ignore the racket coming from the front of the house.

Half hour later, he opened the door. As he'd expected, Chris, still in the clothes he'd been hiking in.

"I'm not sure I'd ever been in love, I thought I had, but it wasn't like this," said Chris. "I didn't know if that was what it was, but I do know a lot of things. I know you and me, well, it's fucking important to me. Like the most important thing in my life. At first, I wanted you. I find you incredibly sexy -you knew that right?- and I wanted to get into bed with you. And later it was different. As you helped me, I saw what a giving person you are, how you just did without asking, and never expecting anything. You were always there."

He'd started speaking the second Aidan had opened the door, and he paused now, noticing Aidan's bare chest and the pajama bottoms.

"Sorry," he said. "I got home, and I started thinking, and you know, how can I even do this, because I have no idea what that scan is going to show on Monday, but I think maybe this is what being in love is about, and I had to come see you. I had to say that yeah, I love you too."

Aidan still hadn't spoken, and Chris went on, staring at his feet, "I didn't expect you to say that you loved me. I didn't expect it because I thought that maybe you were fond of me, or wanted to go to bed with me, but I never thought you'd want, you know, me. That anyone could fall in love with someone like me, and someone like me with cancer on top of everything else." He gulped audibly. "I'd hate to die, you know, be dying, and that's what the scan may show on Monday, but I'd hate even more to have you hurting because I'm dying, and I hate the thought of not having you in my life. If I'm going to live that is. And--"

"Chris."

"Mmm?"

"Are you planning on spending the evening on my doorstep, with me in my pajamas, or would you like to come inside?"

"I'd like," said Chris without moving, "to come inside, head straight upstairs to your bedroom, and..."

"And?"

"I want us to make love, Aidan. I've wanted it for a while, we both know that. I want to spend the night with you, tonight, tomorrow, as long as you'll have me, or as long as I... can."

"Chris," he said, and there were no words for a long time. When finally, there were, they were words of love and desire, and want, and Aidan took Chris's hand, and they went inside and up to Aidan's bedroom.

============ ============ ============

They'd made it to the bed, to Aidan's surprise, and they lay there for a long time, looking at each other, both naked, just touching, and kissing, maybe because the anticipation scared them both, maybe because saying "I love you," was enough for a while. Then slowly, desire built up and heart rates accelerated, and breathing got faster, and touches were longer and slower, then more frantic, and they kissed, and rubbed together, faster and harder, and then Chris pulled away and begged Aidan to lie back, because he wanted to take him in his mouth, and he had no more sores, and he'd wanted to do that for the longest time, and Aidan didn't know why he continued to ask because he had lain back and then Chris's mouth was on him, first kissing from shoulder to groin, and Aidan first sigh of pure pleasure came when Chris's mouth found his nipple, and it only got better from there. The tongue meandering down his chest, licking his stomach, and he heard Chris's moan of pleasure as he reached Aidan's groin, as he nuzzled, and licked, and teased. He licked the length of Aidan's cock, then moved away, startling Aidan, and whispered something in his ear. Aidan hesitated for a breath before nodding, and he said, "Drawer." Chris reached over, and grabbed a tube of lubricant, kissed Aidan hard on the mouth, then moved back down and continued where he'd left off, with mouth, and tongue hot and moist and so welcoming. He got his fingers ready, and Aidan opened his legs to allow him access, and carefully, slowly, Chris slid a finger inside him.

Aidan closed his eyes, almost overwhelmed. The warm mouth, the intimacy of being penetrated, and knowing that this was Chris, and, he hoped, the first of many forays into pleasure. He managed to keep his keening to a minimum until Chris's finger brushed against his prostate, and pure electric joy shot through his body. Later -minutes? seconds? he neither knew nor cared- he came into Chris's mouth, and he heard Chris sigh and they were both still for a while.

That was where they started. Aidan found that night that his recovery time was perfectly adequate and Chris had no complaints. He remembered his concern about that, and told Chris and Chris kissed him. They tried things, explored, and were able to laugh when things didn't work out quite the way they'd wanted them to, and then move on to the next thing they thought of.

It was past 3 a.m. by the time they both swore they were going to sleep this time, really they were. They stumbled down to the bedroom that had been Chris's, because the sheets on Aidan's were not, Aidan had said with a giggle, in any condition to sleep in. A wet situation had been made sticky when Chris had complained about being hungry, and they'd eaten ice cream in bed, then ice cream off of each other.

They showered, quickly, exhausted. Chris leaned on Aidan, and Aidan held him, and kissed him under the hot water. They dried each other off, and managed to crawl between the sheets. Pizzie jumped onto the bed, and tried to find a spot between then, but settled at their feet, and Aidan, sleepy, tired, and content, murmured a good night and I love you into Chris's ear, and thrilled when Chris whispered back the same.

============ ============ ============

They spent most of Sunday in bed, getting up only to feed the cat, the fish, and for Aidan to prepare the cookies and brownies he'd promised Niff he'd bring to Second Sunday Supper.

"We have to go to that, you know," he told Chris, who was licking the beaters from the brownies.

"I know. It'll be fun."

"We'll have to get dressed," said Aidan, and Chris laughed.

He loved hearing Chris laugh.

============ ============ ============

They went back to bed when the baking was done. Aidan had changed the sheets on his bed, and they were debating what bedroom they'd move into, as a couple.

"You're sure you're ok not living in your condo?"

"Can you see moving your fish tanks?"

"I suppose."

They smiled a lot. They laughed and held hands, and gazes. The word love was said, often and well.

His fingers revelled in the light foam of hair on Chris's chest. It was finer than it had been, and lighter as well. Aidan loved the feel of it.

"I'm glad it grew back," said Chris.

"Chest hair?"

"Yeah, that and--" he looked down, significantly, and Aidan laughed.

"I can believe that."

"God, half the time I felt like I was twelve again, and that wasn't a happy feeling."

"You didn't have to shave, though," said Aidan, rubbing his scruffy chin against Chris's chest, and causing him to laugh.

"True. I love watching you shave. So you know."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Of course, I think I just love watching you, so maybe that isn't so odd." They smiled at each other, and Aidan settled on his side, with his head on Chris's shoulder, and Chris's arm around him. He continued playing with the chest hair, grazing a nipple here and there, and at one point, traced the scar that was under Chris's left nipple with his finger.

"Aidan?" The voice was strangled.

"Mmmm?" he said. He was alert. He could feel Chris's upset.

"I lied," he said. "I didn't get that in a bike accident. My father tried to kill me."

Aidan lifted himself on his elbow to look at his lover. Chris had screwed his eyes shut, like a child does. and Aidan felt pain for the young boy Chris had been.

"I know," he said. "I'm sorry."

"It was Gary, then. I thought so.

"It was. He thought I needed to know and when I found out about that... I guess I understood better how deeply I'd hurt you, by rejecting you."

"I never told anyone, ever. I lied to everyone. This is the first time I've been able to say it out loud."

He leaned over to kiss Chris. "You can tell me any part about it that you want to, or you don't have tell me anything. You can tell me any time, or never, or over and over. I'm here to listen, and maybe I can help."

Chris nodded, and they held each other in silence.

============ ============ ============

The phone rang. Aidan's. He'd been drifting, half asleep, his hand still on Chris's chest. He grabbed at the phone, and Chris yawned and stretched,

"Where the hell are you?" she snapped.

"Huh?"

"Aidan! You're--"

"Oh shit. What time is-- OK. I'll be there in about 30, ok?" He was already rolling out of bed, and paused to stick his tongue out at Chris who was laughing, and ran upstairs to get his soccer gear on, placating Jennifer, promising her he'd be there as soon as he could, and it really wouldn't take him long, the phone pinned between ear and shoulder while he pulled on shorts, and Chris took it from him and told Jennifer that if she wanted Aidan there, she needed to give him time to get dressed, and she said she'd start, so they could maintain eleven players but to get there soon because if anyone knew she couldn't finish a whole game, Chris did, and what the fuck were you two doing, never mind she could figure it out, and Aidan had better not be too wiped and-- "Bye Jennifer. We'll be there in a few," said Chris.

Aidan was brushing his teeth and Chris rummaged around to find clothes for himself, and they managed to get out in about 5 minutes, with Aidan's soccer cleats, and the baked goods for Second Sunday Supper, and even water bottles. (Aidan had, he found out later, forgotten a change of clothes for after so he ended up at Second Sunday Supper in his soccers shorts and turquoise and red striped jersey.)

When they got to the field, Aidan waved in and Jennifer stumbled off, collapsing next to Chris who handed her her water.

"Dear god, Chris, I think I might die."

He laughed. "OK. So neither of us are ready for a full game, huh?"

"Chris. I played twenty minutes. I'm wiped. We need step up training." She hopped up to yell at Vladimir and Zara who weren't following their game plan, and then came to sit back down. "Sure you don't want to switch sides?" she asked.

"You mean start going with girls?"

She laughed. "Ha! No, you know what I mean. I'd love to have you play with us, and you and Aidan--"

"Nope," said Chris.

"You guys good?"

"I think so," he said, smiling at her, and they high-fived.

============ ============ ============

Chris gave up trying to sleep at 5 a.m. the next morning, anxiety about the scan having made his night restless. He showered in Aidan's bathroom, since he didn't want to wake his partner. Partner. They were going for good, for long term here, for real. He smiled to himself and yelped as the shower curtain opened, letting in cold air, and Aidan, handsome and naked and sleepy stepped in with him.

"Morning," he mumbled, and they held each other under the spray of water.

Chris couldn't have breakfast, which made the time waiting until the scan seem longer. Aidan didn't eat either, he said they go together after and while Chris insisted he at least get some coffee, he appreciated the solidarity. The scan was set for 7 a.m., and they should be done by 10 a.m., or at least they hoped.

The radiology tech, the one who'd called on Friday and whose name was Dave, was the one who met them. His badge identified him as "lead technician" and Chris asked him if it was lead or lead and the tech said he was the local pencil expert, and Aidan rolled his eyes. He apologized for them having to repeat the scan, but wouldn't say why, or what was going on, but the doctor wasn't in yet and was the only one who could say anything. A doctor came in to talk to Chris about the scan side effects, and the risks of a scan so soon after the previous one, and Chris waved him off, he wanted it done, but still wanted to know what had happened on Friday. The doctor didn't appear to know anything, he was the one who'd talked to Dr Murray and Dr Weinberg the previous Friday, and the one who'd re-ordered the scan had been in Montana fly-fishing and wasn't due in for two hours. Chris looked at Aidan, who grabbed his shoulder and squeezed.

The scan took almost two hours, and Aidan worked on his laptop while he waited. He'd planned on taking the day off, and work helped him keep his mind off of what the rest of the day might hold. Bad scan results, with appointments, and fear, and the plummeting of Chris's survival odds. Or maybe something better. He tried to keep focussed on work. It was easier.

The tech came to get Aidan when Chris was done. He was tired, and jumpy from needing to lie so still for so long. They gave Chris water to drink, and Aidan helped him situate himself. He also kissed him, and the tech appeared uncomfortable, though he didn't say anything.

The tech, Dave, escorted them to an office, and asked them to wait. They were surprised. The previous times Chris had gotten a PET scan, they'd left, and Dr Murray had given them the results later. Chris's hands were like ice in Aidan's, and Aidan was nervous as well, though he tried to hide it.

"What if--"

He put a finger on Chris's lips. "Don't go there, love. We'll find out soon enough, and move on from there. We'll figure it out, and god, Chris, we're together, and we'll stay together no matter what. I love you. I told you that."

They held hands, and waited. Someone came in with more water for Chris, and coffee for Aidan, for which he was grateful, though when he thought about it, it wasn't a good combination: caffeine on an empty stomach, with his nerves already on high alert because of the stressful situation.

"When did you know you loved me?" asked Chris suddenly. "I knew I wanted you and liked you right away, and I got more and more attached to you, and needed you, but I didn't realize that this was actually love, as in the real thing, until now. I thought I'd loved those other guys, Pierre, my boyfriend who's now a chef in New York City, Jesse, Rashid, but now it feels like the crushes of adolescence compared to this, but in some ways I think I expected to be constantly twitterpated!"

Aidan laughed. "I know. You get the exciting thrills at first, and then when they're gone you think that's it, nothing left, and sometimes really that was it, and then others, you're left with the solid core of love, the stuff that lasts. It grew and got stronger while you were in star struck infatuation."

"That makes sense, I guess," said Chris. "So? When?"

"When did I fall in love with you? I don't know. I knew I wanted you about two seconds after I met you," he said wryly and Chris smiled. "I knew I enjoyed spending time with you a few seconds after that. I know that I realized I loved you..." He hesitated. "After I picked you up from Rashid's that time."

Chris closed his eyes. "That could not have been a happy realization."

Aidan shrugged. "Before I think I was still too tied into taking care of you to see what was in front of my face."

"Aidan, I'm sor--"

"As I think I said before, you have nothing to apologize to me for."

"Bullshit," said Chris. "I am sorry."

"Well, considering the things you've told me, I doubt you got much out of it."

"Nothing," said Chris. "And I didn't do anything risky, or I'd have told you before we got into it Saturday."

"I figured. By the way, I'm glad everything is, um, normal again."

"Oh," said Chris. "So am I." They grinned at each other.

============ ============ ============

Aidan's heart sank when Dr Murray, Dr Weinberg, and the lead radiology doctor (tanned from his weekend fly-fishing in Montana) walked into the small office. Then he looked at Dr Murray, who was grinning.

"All clear," he said, and Chris, who'd stood, collapsed back onto the couch. Aidan let out his breath.

The radiology doctor introduced himself as Dr Field, and apologized for the need for the repeat scan. "The tech deleted the previous one," he said. "Nobody ever saw it or read it. I'm sorry about that, and about the worry I know that caused."

Chris and Aidan looked at each other, and both nodded.

"I read this one right away, so nothing could happen to it," Dr Field said. "I was going to call Dr Murray with the results immediately, so you could get them before you left here, which is why we had you wait, but they showed up while you were in the scan."

Aidan looked at Dr Murray, and mouthed "Thank you," and the doctor nodded at him.

"It's official, Chris, you're in remission," he said. "I think your odds of relapse are pretty low, and we'll call to schedule your next scan, and the port removal, but I hope next time I see both of you will be at the office holiday party." He looked at Aidan. "I'm counting the days until your dad is back," he turned to Dr Field. "His father's the best oncology nurse I've ever worked with. And a good friend." He looked back at Chris. "If you have any questions, call, but if not... go get some breakfast and enjoy the rest of the day."

And then they were outside, staring at each other in the sunlight. It was over. Remission. A future.

"Whoa," said Chris. "What now?"

"Breakfast," said Aidan. "And then the fun begins."