So not doing well.

I am so not doing well, I can't even drill down emotionally to see what I can do to get myself out of this place.

I mean, I know, theoretically. I need to get outside more. I need to get walking again, which is hard because I hurt, probably because of how much weight I've gained. I need to get back on track with an eating plan, and lose some weight. The problem is finding the hook, the motivation to get started.

It's been a year, exactly, for those of us in the Seattle area. When I started getting texts from people saying "that isn't too near you, is it?" and I had to say that, yes, yes it was, it was my local hospital, that the epicenter of the Seattle area was less than 5 miles from my house.

And now it feels like forever. And I feel like I've lost so much this past year... well, I gained alot of weight, lost a tiny bit over five months (six or seven pounds), regained all that in two weeks and said "fuck it!" which is where I've been since. I've lost fitness, I can't walk as fast or as far. I feel like crap. I'm afraid the world is going to open back up and I'll be too fat and too unfit to do anything, and that's not a feeling I've ever had before. I might have railed against my body, but I never doubted I could do what I needed to do. I mean, maybe not climb Mt Rainier, but certainly a 5-10 mile hike or a 30 mile bike ride.

Ugh.

And the physical bleeds into the mental, and mental feeds back into the physical.

But I just can't seem to get started.